Serious Question

[Sevrian]

Hi

Hopefully some of you will know my art and my writing from bits and pieces I've posted on this site. Well now I'm woring on trying to write something more serious, and I'm hoping some of you guys can help. I sure I'm not the only person on this site who, apart from the ball torture I've received on a consentual basis, have also had the highly traumatic experience of being attacked for real - a very different thing. As I said, I'm working on writing a serious piece on the actual effects of being kicked in the groin in a genuine, violent assault, and I'm hoping some of you might be prepared to share your own experiences, either in public on this thread or by private message.

My own 'real' experience was being kicked in the balls by a girl in the school yard when I was in my early teens. Apart from the horrific pain that we're all familiar with, what effected me most was the humiliation of being hudled on the ground sobbing and wretching surrounded by a crowd of oggling onlookers; and also the feeling of being totally helpless - of something so quick and on her part so casual reducing me instantly to a state of utter helplesness.

I've gone through the whole of my life since then pretty majorly fucked up by the experience. I made a serious suicide attempt when I was 16 because I just couldn't cope; it's messed up my relationships with women over and over again, even to the point of contributing to my first wife divorcing me.

I think the worst thing for me has always been that no-one seems to take this stuff seriously. Getting kicked in the groin is a joke, right? I've felt like a total freek ever since that day because when everyone else was rolling around laughing at some poor guy on the TV getting kicked in the balls, I was squirimng and hyperventilating and wanting to die.

So, am I alone out here in freek land, caught between needing the agony and humiliation of a woman kicking my balls as a deeply screwed up part of my sexuality, and at the same time being absolutely terrified of being attacked again for real? Anything any of you would like to share on this subject would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

Sevrian

[Alec Anaconda, A1]

We are all influenced by the experiences life throws at us, but many fade with time. I wonder if your fascination with BB dates back to much earlier than that attack, as mine does.

Apart from “fun wrestling,” I’ve never experienced a serious surprise groin attack, but I have felt panic before consensual BB. That light-headed, fight or flight rush of adrenalin, during preparation, that disappears as the action starts.

If you’re ever tempted by suicide again, please consider the person who will find your remains, for finding a suicide’s body is something I’ll never fully forget.



Getting kicked in the groin is a joke, right?

Perhaps a talk with your GP will show that the medical profession don’t agree, for it can be fatal. You might even get some counselling, but most will offer nothing but pills.

[skweezme]

Getting kicked in the balls was obviously no joke for you and sorry to hear your sad tale. Are you sure the unexpected BB was what's majorly fucked you up though? Could it have been other stuff and you're just over-focusing on the BB experience?

[Jet]

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[salamander]

Damn and she just did that for no good reason? That's something a girl would do in elementary school, not that old.

Can't say it's ever happened to me, but I'm sorry to hear about that

[stman]

I think the worst thing for me has always been that no-one seems to take this stuff seriously. Getting kicked in the groin is a joke, right? I've felt like a total freek ever since that day because when everyone else was rolling around laughing at some poor guy on the TV getting kicked in the balls, I was squirimng and hyperventilating and wanting to die.

So, am I alone out here in freek land, caught between needing the agony and humiliation of a woman kicking my balls as a deeply screwed up part of my sexuality, and at the same time being absolutely terrified of being attacked again for real? Anything any of you would like to share on this subject would be very much appreciated.

Sevrian

Hey Sevrian thanks for posting this, you're not alone in this though I think aside from me you would be the first person I've ever seen say something like this. For me BB is incredibly sexual, my sexual reaction to the pain, much like a typical algolagniac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algolagnia#Current_research) is completely involuntary (see link). This means when it happens to me without my consent it's quite disturbing (understatement). I've tried explaining it to friends this way, imagine someone you aren't attracted to penetrating you without your consent. So maybe that's different than your experience with humiliation and helplessness, but I can still relate, as that for me is also very much a part of it.

It sounds like a simple explanation but in my experience it's difficult to get anyone to bother to read the simple scientific explanation of algolagnia let alone actually think for five seconds about its implications. I've had this fetish since I can remember remembering, and the only time I was ever busted without my consent was years later, long after I had already enjoyed it a few times, by creepy bullies. In my case the aggressors were male, and it got to the point not so much that I attempted suicide, but that I would have very real panic attacks whenever I saw media imagery of what to my mind was a sexual assault, that retriggered the memory of the violating experience. Like you, this was made all the worse not only because it is portrayed as a joke along with the added humiliation and helplessness etc..., but also because for a long time I had no one to discuss it with, and thought no one would believe me let alone respect my experience. I really don't see what's so bloody hard to understand about it. I find sexual pain.. sexual. Always. Inflicting it on me without my consent is violating. Duh!

I actually lucked out and saw a good therapist on the subject for a few months, mostly talk, no need for going on regular pills whew... that along with finally meeting a few friends who actually believed me made a huge, huge difference. But yes, this experience made everything more difficult.. as if opening up about having a fetish wasn't hard enough to begin with. I had a real hard time at fetish parties at first.

And yes, it's a seeming contradiction. In the right circumstance with a sexy lady ballbuster all the above might seem wonderfully hot in fantasy. I can't say I'm the only person out there with contradictions in my sexuality though.. :D.

BTW I do enjoy my fetish now, once in a while, in safe, sane, consensual environments.

[Sevrian]

Hi Stman

Thanks very much for your response. I completely agree with your analogy of being penetrated without consent. Like you, I've never understood why it's so hard for people to understand the serious side of this - taking a blow to your sexual organs is a sexual experience, and a sexual experience without consent is a serious form of assault, with all the consequences you'd associate with that in other contexts. Equally, having this sort of stuff done to you with consent by someone you're attracted to is hugely sexy if you're wired that way (and who here isn't?).

As I said already though, I'm trying to write something that might make the negative side a bit easier to understand for people who've never been there. Getting other guy's experiences and opinions is going to be really helpful - so thank you very much having the (excuse the pun) balls to share with us.

Sevrian

ps How's Montreal? It's one of my favourite cities in the world, and I'm hoping to get back there one day; and that's only partly because I had a very memorable ball-biting in a Montreal hotel room! :D


Hey Sevrian thanks for posting this, you're not alone in this though I think aside from me you would be the first person I've ever seen say something like this. For me BB is incredibly sexual, my sexual reaction to the pain, much like a typical algolagniac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algolagnia#Current_research) is completely involuntary (see link). This means when it happens to me without my consent it's quite disturbing (understatement). I've tried explaining it to friends this way, imagine someone you aren't attracted to penetrating you without your consent. So maybe that's different than your experience with humiliation and helplessness, but I can still relate, as that for me is also very much a part of it.

It sounds like a simple explanation but in my experience it's difficult to get anyone to bother to read the simple scientific explanation of algolagnia let alone actually think for five seconds about its implications. I've had this fetish since I can remember remembering, and the only time I was ever busted without my consent was years later, long after I had already enjoyed it a few times, by creepy bullies. In my case the aggressors were male, and it got to the point not so much that I attempted suicide, but that I would have very real panic attacks whenever I saw media imagery of what to my mind was a sexual assault, that retriggered the memory of the violating experience. Like you, this was made all the worse not only because it is portrayed as a joke along with the added humiliation and helplessness etc..., but also because for a long time I had no one to discuss it with, and thought no one would believe me let alone respect my experience. I really don't see what's so bloody hard to understand about it. I find sexual pain.. sexual. Always. Inflicting it on me without my consent is violating. Duh!

I actually lucked out and saw a good therapist on the subject for a few months, mostly talk, no need for going on regular pills whew... that along with finally meeting a few friends who actually believed me made a huge, huge difference. But yes, this experience made everything more difficult.. as if opening up about having a fetish wasn't hard enough to begin with. I had a real hard time at fetish parties at first.

And yes, it's a seeming contradiction. In the right circumstance with a sexy lady ballbuster all the above might seem wonderfully hot in fantasy. I can't say I'm the only person out there with contradictions in my sexuality though.. :D.

BTW I do enjoy my fetish now, once in a while, in safe, sane, consensual environments.

[Alec Anaconda, A1]

I’ve read the above algolagnia link.

Although I do derive sexual stimulation from physical pain in my erogenous zones, I don’t interpret the pain as pure pleasure.

For me, the pain hurts, but is also arousing and exciting.

In extreme cases, the pain is a challenge, a battle between prolonged over-sensitive sexual excitement and physical torment; a fight only resolved by ejaculation, or by my submission to the state where the pain is everything and my mind floats above it in a state of serene calmness.

[stman]

As I said already though, I'm trying to write something that might make the negative side a bit easier to understand for people who've never been there. Getting other guy's experiences and opinions is going to be really helpful - so thank you very much having the (excuse the pun) balls to share with us.

Sevrian

ps How's Montreal? It's one of my favourite cities in the world, and I'm hoping to get back there one day; and that's only partly because I had a very memorable ball-biting in a Montreal hotel room! :D

Yeah thanks for sharing your experiences too! This isn't exactly easy to talk about and I've posted similar things from time to time usually asking if anyone else has had these kinds of life experiences, so although it's shitty to hear your story at the same time it's interesting to finally hear from someone with a bit of common ground in this area.

Alec thanks for checking it out. yeah I suspect there's differing reasons people are into this fetish.. masochism or submission or any mix or flavor of the above.. I've enjoyed other pain play that wasn't bb or cbt related in perhaps a similar way to what you describe, like getting my rear paddled at fetish parties, it's hot to think about (well, depending on who is doing it) even though its not like algolagnia. CBT, especially BB for me seem to be absolutely sensory and physical.. it's actually uncomfortable below a certain threshold.. then at the doubling over and falling down in pain point, it's more like extreme pleasure for me. I've been pushed into climax just by 'pain' many times.. means I kind of have to be extra careful when I play because my body isn't giving me those 'be careful now' warning signs lol!

Montreal, it's a pretty awesome city in the summer if you like to get out and wander around, lots of outdoor parties and festivals, big kink scene too. Probably my favorite city in Canada!

[poolman2]

I understand this. When I am getting CBT, it is tremendously erotic and pleasurable as long as I am horny and in the right mood. The only down side is that for the first minute or so, I experience the pain as simply pain. Somehow thereafter it converts to pleasure. It helps when I know it is coming and can see it. The kicks from the rear can sometimes be problematic.

It's really interesting when my wife and I are in bed with the lights off and she does ax kicks. I never know ixactly where and when her foot will impact. Anyway it's still fun, not to mention a real change of pace.

Regards,

poolman2