Trouble
10-23-2006, 10:52 PM
BARB: Good morning, OC, this is Barbara Ballbreaker, 97.7 FM, Whammo Radio, W-A-M-O, broadcasting at 100.7 in the Bay Area. Balls and Ballbreaking: everything you need to know. Let's jump right into it: can I have the first caller?
Caller: Am I on the air?
BARB: Say hello to Orange County, dear!
Caller: Oh my God! This is Vicky from Chapel Hill. My boyfriend slept with my cousin, who's prety good-looking but-
BARB: Wait! He's YOUR boyfriend?
Caller: Yes.
BARB: Well, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS! Do it HARD! Next caller, please.
Caller2: Hello, my name is Lynn and I'm in San Francisco.
BARB: Thanks for calling, Lynn; what's on your mind?
Caller2: Well.. I can't believe I'm going to say this. I've never kicked a guy in the balls before.
BARB: That's a shame. How old are you?
Caller2: 23.
BARB ...and you've ...NEVER ...kicked a guy in the nuts?
Caller2: Yeah. And my husband, he-
BARB: Okay, this is how it is done: grab him by the shoulders as if you are going to kiss him, push your boobies against his chest, and then lift your foot up. That moves your knee to his groin area.
Caller2: Okay.
BARB: Ram the knee HARD against those suckers in his bulge. Try to WHAMMO them against the bones in his body so that his nuts get smacked between your knee and his pubic bone. If you miss the pubic bone, try to knee them hard enough to whammo them against his spine.
Caller2: How would I-
BARB: Next caller, please.
Caller3: Hi, Barb!
BARB: Hi!
Caller3: This is Laura from San Diego. I jut LOVE your show.
BARB: Thank you.
Caller3: This is my question: my boyfriend and I are trying to get pregnnt, and I have busted him, like... oh my god, must be dozens of times... Should I stop busting him so that he's not trying to work with scrambled eggs?
BARB: Of COURSE not! This is a myth perpetuated by men. Keep kicking him in the nuts, before, after, and DURING pregnancy. Right after you have given birth, you will find yourself especially wanting to kick him in the balls as hard and as often as possible.
Caller3: Okay, thanks!
BARB: Next caller, please.
Caller4: Hi, Barb. I'm Wynona from Marin City.
BARB: Whoa! You must be my only listener from Marin City!
Caller4: Oh, no! ALL my girlfriends listen to your show!
BARB: Wonderful to hear it; how can I help you today?
Caller4: Well, the problem is my boyfriend-
BARB: Isn't it always?
BARB, Caller4: [laughter]
Caller4: The problem is he is uncut.
BARB: "Uncut?"
Caller4: You know, not circumcised.
BARB: Ew!
Caller4: I KNOW! It's DISGUSTING! I've bought your book and I tried using ballbreaking to convince him to get it cut, but he keeps insisting he doesn't want to get circumcised.
BARB: Men! Okay, this is what you do: next time he is sound asleep, tie him down, all four appendages, Then get a pair of scissors. Okay, the way the procedure is done by doctors is that that pull the "foreskin" up toward the head, and then SNIP IT OFF! Do that.
Caller4: Whoa. Wouldn't that... I mean... like, blood and stuff?
BARB: Yes. Have lots of gauze ready and wrap it around your guy's new stubby.
Caller4: "Stubby?" [laughter]
BARB: After it has healed up some, YANK the gauze off. Have some new gauze to wrap around, because that will pull the wound slightly open. As he is recovering, remind him he had the option of going to a doctor.
Caller4: Okay, thanks. I will.
BARB: Thanks for calling. Next caller, please.
Caller5: Hiiii, I'm Linda, and I just wanted to say I LOVE ballbreaking!
BARB: Go get 'em, Linda! Next caller, please.
Caller6: My name is Jodie, from San Diego.
BARB: Hi, Jodie.
Caller6: I have a terrible problem. My new boyfriend has no balls.
BARB: Tell him to get some.
Caller6: No, seriously: I met this great guy at a party, but he has no balls. We really like each other, but he was in a wheelbarrow accident when he was a kid, and-
BARB: NO BALLS??? Dump him. Next caller, please.
Caller7: Hi, I am a man, and I got my testicles ruptured when you told one of your callers-
BARB: Well! That's all the time we have for today! This is Barbara Ballbreaker, and thanks for tuning in to WHAMMO Radio, W-A-M-O, 97.7 in the OC, 100.7 in the Bay Area.
Caller: Am I on the air?
BARB: Say hello to Orange County, dear!
Caller: Oh my God! This is Vicky from Chapel Hill. My boyfriend slept with my cousin, who's prety good-looking but-
BARB: Wait! He's YOUR boyfriend?
Caller: Yes.
BARB: Well, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS! Do it HARD! Next caller, please.
Caller2: Hello, my name is Lynn and I'm in San Francisco.
BARB: Thanks for calling, Lynn; what's on your mind?
Caller2: Well.. I can't believe I'm going to say this. I've never kicked a guy in the balls before.
BARB: That's a shame. How old are you?
Caller2: 23.
BARB ...and you've ...NEVER ...kicked a guy in the nuts?
Caller2: Yeah. And my husband, he-
BARB: Okay, this is how it is done: grab him by the shoulders as if you are going to kiss him, push your boobies against his chest, and then lift your foot up. That moves your knee to his groin area.
Caller2: Okay.
BARB: Ram the knee HARD against those suckers in his bulge. Try to WHAMMO them against the bones in his body so that his nuts get smacked between your knee and his pubic bone. If you miss the pubic bone, try to knee them hard enough to whammo them against his spine.
Caller2: How would I-
BARB: Next caller, please.
Caller3: Hi, Barb!
BARB: Hi!
Caller3: This is Laura from San Diego. I jut LOVE your show.
BARB: Thank you.
Caller3: This is my question: my boyfriend and I are trying to get pregnnt, and I have busted him, like... oh my god, must be dozens of times... Should I stop busting him so that he's not trying to work with scrambled eggs?
BARB: Of COURSE not! This is a myth perpetuated by men. Keep kicking him in the nuts, before, after, and DURING pregnancy. Right after you have given birth, you will find yourself especially wanting to kick him in the balls as hard and as often as possible.
Caller3: Okay, thanks!
BARB: Next caller, please.
Caller4: Hi, Barb. I'm Wynona from Marin City.
BARB: Whoa! You must be my only listener from Marin City!
Caller4: Oh, no! ALL my girlfriends listen to your show!
BARB: Wonderful to hear it; how can I help you today?
Caller4: Well, the problem is my boyfriend-
BARB: Isn't it always?
BARB, Caller4: [laughter]
Caller4: The problem is he is uncut.
BARB: "Uncut?"
Caller4: You know, not circumcised.
BARB: Ew!
Caller4: I KNOW! It's DISGUSTING! I've bought your book and I tried using ballbreaking to convince him to get it cut, but he keeps insisting he doesn't want to get circumcised.
BARB: Men! Okay, this is what you do: next time he is sound asleep, tie him down, all four appendages, Then get a pair of scissors. Okay, the way the procedure is done by doctors is that that pull the "foreskin" up toward the head, and then SNIP IT OFF! Do that.
Caller4: Whoa. Wouldn't that... I mean... like, blood and stuff?
BARB: Yes. Have lots of gauze ready and wrap it around your guy's new stubby.
Caller4: "Stubby?" [laughter]
BARB: After it has healed up some, YANK the gauze off. Have some new gauze to wrap around, because that will pull the wound slightly open. As he is recovering, remind him he had the option of going to a doctor.
Caller4: Okay, thanks. I will.
BARB: Thanks for calling. Next caller, please.
Caller5: Hiiii, I'm Linda, and I just wanted to say I LOVE ballbreaking!
BARB: Go get 'em, Linda! Next caller, please.
Caller6: My name is Jodie, from San Diego.
BARB: Hi, Jodie.
Caller6: I have a terrible problem. My new boyfriend has no balls.
BARB: Tell him to get some.
Caller6: No, seriously: I met this great guy at a party, but he has no balls. We really like each other, but he was in a wheelbarrow accident when he was a kid, and-
BARB: NO BALLS??? Dump him. Next caller, please.
Caller7: Hi, I am a man, and I got my testicles ruptured when you told one of your callers-
BARB: Well! That's all the time we have for today! This is Barbara Ballbreaker, and thanks for tuning in to WHAMMO Radio, W-A-M-O, 97.7 in the OC, 100.7 in the Bay Area.