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donkeyfish
11-12-2008, 06:51 AM
couldnt get onto the internet last night to browse some stories so instead decided to start writing my own. I would appreciate some feedback as to how its going so far and if its worth writing the second half? the story is f/m and please keep in mind that its my first attempt at a story :)

DETENTION: part one

It was the middle of the afternoon and all the students were comming back from their lunch break and taking their seats ready for their next lecture.
The subject was advanced mathematics and as usual Dave hadnt done the required reading for that days classes as he had been too busy trying to
get his hands down the pants of one of the girls he met at a party the night before.

As Dave took his seat he noticed he was sitting behind Sarah. She was one of the prettier girls in his classes and he always enjoyed sitting behind
her as that meant he could day dream about her instead of paying attention to whatever the lecturer was going on about. Sarah had recently turned 19
and at her birthday party Dave made a pass at her whilst very drunk. He didnt really remember it and she chose to ignore it to avoid embarassment
on both their accounts.

"Hey, Sarah" Said Dave. Sarah turned around a bit confused as to what he would want.
"Have you done the readings for this class? I need someone to fill me in before the Prof arrives"
"Why should you get it easy? I spent all night reading the texts." Sarah sounded a bit annoyed that Dave would even suggest she help him out here
Seeing that Sarah wasnt going to be too helpful Dave leant forward and grabbed something off her desk, it just so happened that Sarah had brought
in a rubber stress ball that she thought helped her through class.

"If you dont help me I dont think I'll be able to give you your ball back" Said Dave whilst tossing the ball in the air between his hands.
Not feeling in the mood for his childish games Sarah lunged for her ball but missed and simply knocked it into the air towards the classroom door.
Just at that moment Prf. Emmin walked in just in time to see the ball as it flew into her nose. She was more shocked then hurt. Dave admired her ass
as she bent over, one hand on her nose, the other reaching for the ball before it rolled away.
"Who's is this?" she asked as she picked it up. No one answered. As long as the whole room stayed quiet no one should get in trouble thought Dave.
unfortunately during a previous boring lesson Sarah had taken the time to enscribe "property of Sarah H" on her stress ball. Busted.
"I'd like to see you after class Sarah" said the professor as she prepared to start her lecture.

Sarah didnt look at Dave for the whole lesson, but he could tell she was very upset. As the lesson progressed and the professor started asking questions
about the set text it became painfully obvious by his awkward answers that Dave had not read what he was supposed to. This caused the professor to ask
him back at the end of the class as well.

An hour later and the classroom was empty except for Dave, Prf. Emmin and a very angry looking Sarah.
"Now you two, the behaviour shown by both of you is unacceptable. Not only does it disrupt my teaching, but it also hinders your learning" She was delivering
this semi-speach as she started packing her bag and heading for the door.
"I however have a lecture to attend, so as such I have left two text books on my desk which you two will read for the next 2 hours whilst im out. And to make sure
you two dont leave im locking the door"
She stepped outside and both students heared the key turn that locked them in together for the next two hours.

Sarah silently got up and sat down at the front of the class at the teachers desk and started looking at the textbooks the professor had left behind.
Dave got up but had no intention of doing any reading.
"Hey, maybe we could have some fun while we're locked away together?" Started Dave
"What makes you think I would want any fun with you dumbass?"
"Hey, no need to get angry, come on, you know you want to"
Sarah tried to hide her anger by silently reading her text book which annoyed Dave. He liked her attention and was going to get it.
While still standing in front of the desk he slowly unzipped his trousers and pulled out his cock and balls and rested them on the edge of the desk.
Sarah saw it out of the corner of her eyes, his cock was average but
the size of his balls made her eyes widen a bit, they were the biggest she'd ever seen, the size of plums.
"Come on, just give it a little kiss" Said Dave.
Sarah was feeling the rage build up inside her with every word he said. First he gets her into detention, does apologise, and now he wants
her to play with his cock. it was when he said "stop being such a bitch, its your fault we're here in the first place, you should have told me
what the text was about in the first place" that she snapped.

Sarah had noticed that there was a laser pointer on the desk which she picked up and shone in Daves eyes causing him to be blinded for a second.
That was all she needed. with one hand she reached forward and grabbed both his balls in a firm grip and yanked them as far forward as she could.
With the other hand she picked up the stapler that was also on the desk and reached forward. Dave still hadnt recovered from the temporary blindness
before he realised she had stapled his stretched out nutsack to the desk. He reached down but was stopped by Sarah hovering the stapler over his left nut.
"Dont move your hands or I put a stable through the actual ball, and dont think I wont do it" The rage in her eyes made Dave believe her.

Sarah got up and walked around to the same side of the desk as Dave.
"Put your hands behind your back"
"why should I?" answered Dave. His voice was noticeably shakier.
without saying a word Sarah moved the stapler over his left nut again and looked him in the eyes. He put his hands behind his back without further questioning.
Sarah took this opportunity to cellotape his hands together behind him, effectively rendering him unable to pry the stables out of his scrotum and freeing himself.
"Now im going to be in charge for the next two hours" she said and she walked back around to the other side of the desk.
"And I think the best way to spend the next two hours is for me to punish you."
Dave was starting to realise this wasnt an awfully great situation to be in.
"But, I havnt done anything to be punished for, and if I have im very sorry"
"oh its too late for groveling now. Let me tell you why your being punished." With that she lifted the large textbook high above her head,
"This is for making me lose my property"
with that she slammed the text book down with all her might down on Daves trapped balls. He let out a high pitched squeal and started trying to pull away. This was stopped very
suddenly when he realised he wouldnt be able to leave that desk with his balls still attatched whilst the staples were still holding him there.
"And this is for the grades that will probably fall due to getting a detention"
SLAM
"AAARRRGGGHHH"
"And this is for making me lose my good reputation with the professor"
SLAM
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH"
"And this is for making me lose my good reputation with my peers"
SLAM
"AAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH"
"This ones for making me waste two hours of my day"
SLAM SLAM SLAM
Daves voice had become several octaves higher by now and his eyes were watering badly.
After that last hit Sarah left the textbook on his balls and started pushing down with both her hands whilst leaning over the desk. Even through the gut churning pain
Dave managed to see the cleavage she was now displayed down her shirt. Noticing this she pushed down as hard as she could.
"Stop please, your crushing them, please" Dave was almost in tears now and in total fear of his nuts actually becomming nothing more than a stain in the desk.

"Good, I think that would be poetic justice dont you? you make me lose my ball, I make you lose one of yours." She smiled evily at him. She removed the textbook and felt his nuts. They were both very red but apart from that didnt look too badly damaged. Which was the opposite of what Daves reaction would have suggested.

For a moment Dave thought this was going to be the finish of her torture, but Sarah was having too much vengeful fun with this to feel like stopping anytime soon. His nuts were hers for the full two hours as far as she was concerned.

Grooz
11-12-2008, 05:14 PM
I'm liking it, keep going! :D

gopballbuster
11-12-2008, 06:49 PM
It's very good, please keep going. I think a good next step would be to have Sarah stomp Dave's balls, whilst you describe her shoes. Good story!

Teardrop
11-13-2008, 04:17 AM
Donkeyfish, you've written one of the best stories I've read for years. It's exciting, and there are some ideas in there that I have never seen anybody else put down on paper. I love the part with the laser. It's such a cinematic image. I hope you do write the second half.

Alec Anaconda
11-13-2008, 04:23 AM
Hi Donkeyfish,
This is a very good first attempt.
I think that you should finish this story, and then work on your writing skills.

Please take the rest of this post as constructive assistance, not criticism.
I’m guessing that you don’t have much experience with word processors. It’s best to use allow the software to automatically move to the next line, except when you need a new paragraph or are starting direct speech.

If you want to publish any of your work, here are some hints.

Important props should not suddenly appear, as if by magic.
That stapler, which needs to be extremely powerful to penetrate a desk, could be introduced early in the plot.

The action needs to be realistic.
For example, would you not notice if your scrotum was punctured by a staple?

Although grammar and spelling are not that important in a forum, why not use the word processor to check them for you?
It’s also best the stick with one variation of English. The US spelling of arse is fine, but not when mixed with the other International spellings. It’s always best to read what you have written, before posting.

I’m looking forward to part two!

http://uk.geocities.com/a1adultebooks/GetPublished.htm

donkeyfish
11-13-2008, 06:13 AM
Thats exactly the sort of advice I was looking for Alec. If its possible would you be able to add me on something like msn messenger so we can discuss writing a bit more.

my address is donkeyfish21@gmail.com

as for the rest of the story I did some more last night and probably have it finished by the end of tonight.

Alec Anaconda
11-13-2008, 07:55 AM
Hi Donkeyfish,
Let me see how part two turns out first.

Altamesa
11-13-2008, 09:03 AM
I loved your first attempt at a story, and I see a great start to some awesome storytelling from you.

Alec Anaconda gave you some terrific advice in a previous post, and I suggest you follow it closely. Sometimes posting things here presents a little bit of practice, but there is always the edit button if things don’t turn out as you would like.

I’m looking forward to the rest of this one, and thank you for sharing your work.

donkeyfish
11-13-2008, 06:27 PM
installed open office for spell checks, I would post the spell checked edition of the 1st part but I cant find an edit button. Anyway, hes the end.

PART 2

Feeling a bit adventurous Sarah stood up on the desk with her hands on her hips to tower of Dave. She admired her handy work and enjoyed seeing him quiver knowing it was all because of her. She loved the fear in his eyes as he wondering what was next.
she kicked off both her shoes and took off her socks, she then raised her right foot and told Dave to kiss it, which he did. Then she placed the sole of her foot gently on the trapped balls and looked into Daves eyes.
"So what do you think of me now big boy? you still want to do all those sexual things you said at my party?"
Dave didn't want to commit to any answer in case it was a trick question.
"May I should make it so you wouldn't be able to do any of those things to me, or any girl for that matter? It would be so easy
for me to stomp down with my foot and crush both your balls Dave. Give me a reason not to."
Dave was still unsure what sort of answer she wanted so he kept quiet which annoyed her a little causing her to grind her foot down ever so slightly.
"Erm" said Dave starting to sweat a little. "Because I need them"
Sarah Laughed.
"ha, you may need them, but I don't. Wouldn't bother me if you lost them both, in fact it would probably be a lot of fun for me.
I bet its a very liberating feeling knowing I can ruin and control any man I please by simple crushing his balls."
At that point one of Daves balls slipped a little causing Sarah to lose her balance and almost fall off the desk. She stabled herself
and gave his balls a hard stomp as punishment causing Dave to let out a sharp breath and yelp.

"You know I heard you talking about me the day after the party and calling me a bitch." Said Sarah as she repositioned her right foot lightly on his balls.
"No, you must have misheard, I must have been talking about someone else." Dave was starting to get nervous as to where this was going.
"Oh no, I have perfect hearing, it was about me. Do you really think I'm a bitch Dave?"
"No, never, I would never and will never say anything rude about you again" Sarah smiled
"Oh good, because I'm not a bitch. However I would be one if I did this." Using his shoulders as support she lifted her left foot off the desk completely causing her entire weight to bare down in both of Daves nuts flattening them to at least half of their normal height. Sarah could feel them spreading out beneath her pretty little feet. Dave lasted 5 seconds before letting out a weird groaning noise from his throat and passing out.

Sarah stepped off and inspected his balls. Surprisingly they were both whole. Part of Sarah was relieved as she knew ********** would probably put her in a bit of trouble. But the other part of her was annoyed at how resilient these small egg shaped things were. She took this opportunity to pry the stables out of the desk and watched as Daves lifeless body slumped off onto the floor.

It took over hour for Dave to regain consciousness, during this time his balls swelled to three times their normal size and became the same colour as ripe tomatoes. As he came to the searing pain in his balls and stomach quickly reminded him of why he had blacked out in the first place. His first instinct was to reach down and cup his balls for security but his arms were still cello taped behind his back. He looked down and realised he was now completely naked, his clothes in a neat pile a few meters away.
He suddenly felt his legs being lifted from behind and felt soft girly feet slam into his balls with the force of what felt like a sledge hammer.
"Wakey wakey, we've got a lot of catching up to do, I was so bored waiting for you to come around."
she kicked him 5 more times. at that point they both heard a cough which caused them to glance at the door.

In the door way stood Prf.Emmin. Sarah immediately dropped Dave and took a step back, she suddenly became very scared
now that she had been caught in the act.
"Er, I'm sorry, I can explain everything"
"Oh I don't think there's anything to explain, I think its obvious that my young student here fell over and hurt his testicles
on the edge of a desk on the way down." She winked at Sarah who felt a wave of relief sweep over her.
"So your not gonna tell?"
"Oh, I've been dreaming about teaching this dumb ass a real lesson since the start of term."
"ha, me too, and if I'm totally honest its every bit as good as I'd imagined." Dave had become terrified knowing these women
had been dreaming of getting him where it counts for so long.
"Give me a hand Sarah ive got an idea, help me lift him up" Prf. Emmin walked over and grabbed Dave by one arm
"Yes Prf.Emmin"
"Oh call me Harriot" said the sexy professor as both girls smiled to each other.
They hoisted him up without too much hassle as he was too weak from the previous busting to put up much of a fight.
They part walked part dragged him over to the projector in the middle of the class before Harriot grabbed his balls and gave him a
little squeeze.
"Now Dave, we're going to do a little experiment" With that she yanked his nut sack as far from his body as she could and placed it on the projector before slamming the lid down
and turning it on. Dave felt the his nuts warm up a little and looked up at the screen. on it he could clearly see two black orbs now magnified to a meter in size on the white wall in front.
Harriot gave the lid a little push and saw his nuts get a little larger
on the screen. He tried to pull away but the lid was too heavy and had him trapped.
"Now it takes roughly 50kg of force to rupture testicles, which happens to be more or less the weight of my little helper here."
Sarah smiled a she realised what Harriot was getting at.
"So you've got to ask yourself one question Dave, are your balls tougher than average or not?" Harriot took one of Sarahs hands and gave her a boost up on top of the projector
before letting go to allow her full body weight to be felt by Dave who had gone back to making weird throaty noises.
On the screen all three could now see his balls flattened to about 2 meters across on the wall.
"He can handle this Harriot, I tried it before". Harriot seemed impressed
"Well maybe we could try something higher up on the syllabus." With a little hop she jumped up to sit on the lid of the photocopier now causing the weight of two women
to push down on the already battered balls of Dave who instantly passed out and fell forward sharply knocking the machine and sending both women flying to the floor.

By now both ladies decided it was probably best to clear up the mess as the next class would probably be coming in soon. They both gave one last kick to
Daves nuts and dragged him to the male changing rooms where they put his clothes back on and left him in a cubicle. They both agreed never to mention this
to anyone but each other and went on with their days as if nothing had happened.

Dave wisely decided to spend the next few weeks downloading course notes from the internet and paying friends to take notes from class. partly because he was very sore for a
long time to come. But mostly because he was petrified of the two girls in his class. He also managed to get the university heads to let him take his exam in a separate room.
However it was policy that results could only be collected in person during the last lesson. So when the day came he walked into class and sat down in the opposite side of the
room as usual trying to minimize his chances of ending up sitting near Sarah. Prf Harriot walked in and instantly got to work reading out the results of everyone in the class.
Most people were pleased, there were a few tears from those who wanted A's but got B's. Nothing out of the ordinary.
"There was however one person who did not manage to get the required grades to pass my class and as such will be retaking it next term" Said Harriot eyeing up Dave in the class.
"But that's not to worry, I have arranged for him to be my assistant for that term. Im sure he will learn much more now that he'll be following me around and helping after class."
With that she gave a wink which caused Daves nuts to physically try and retract into his body and walked out the class.

Arcane
11-14-2008, 01:49 AM
Wow, excellent story! I was hoping that you'd bring in the professor to get a piece of the action. Nice job, I really enjoyed this.

Alec Anaconda
11-15-2008, 03:53 AM
hi df
gr8 stuff (4 a 4rum)
keep up the rightin m8
:Baahaha:
-----------------------------------------

You don’t get long to edit your posts on this forum.

I loved the metamorphosis of overhead projector into photocopier.

Installing a spell checker is one thing; running it correctly is another matter. Running it at all is a start. In your case it should find more than eighty percent of the errors.

However, mechanical processing can never replace proofreading your own work. In the first sentence, it will not notice “tower of Dave”.

I do understand your urgency to translate your thoughts into words.
I know just how tedious proofreading can be.
If you feel that it is unnecessary to bother with the rules of language, then that is your privilege.

As you have interesting ideas, I would recommend that you read published erotic works, such as mine, except that I am not convinced that you are old enough to own a credit card.

By the way, a cello is a large stringed instrument.

Teardrop
11-15-2008, 05:14 AM
Thanks, Donkeyfish. I enjoyed the second part very much.

I hope you continue to post your stories in future as you have fantastic, unique ideas and a real talent for telling an exciting story.

donkeyfish
11-15-2008, 05:51 AM
the whole story was first written in notepad. so thats where most of the bad formatting comes in. I did run it through a spellcheck at the end and its the spell check that told me to spell it "cello tape".
as for owning a credit card im 21.

Thanks for all the constructive criticism guys. I'll probably start a new story tonight. Hopefully i'll pay more attention to the way its written, and maybe i'll even proof read it. :)

Rebecca
11-15-2008, 10:31 AM
I really enjoyed your story, and hope you will write/post more.

Keep up the great work!

Rebecca

mickroger
11-15-2008, 03:05 PM
You certainly have a talent for writing. Please continue. Looks like you already have a good group of fans and editors giving you good advice and encouragement.

Alec Anaconda
11-16-2008, 04:38 AM
Hi DF,
Sorry about my age comment, but one has to be so careful to keep legal. I had to be rude to be certain of your response.

Please be assured that I would not be taking the time to post, if I did not think that you could become an author.

Spelling checking routines are, in general, as dumb as Dodos. They blindly use matching algorithms to give you suggestions, but do not “know” what you are thinking. As you have discovered, they can give you silly suggestions.

My spelling is atrocious. Most of the time spell check will give me the correct result, but I often have to use the thesaurus to check that I have not changed to a word that looks similar but means something different.

However, there are times when this process fails. Especially when I’m tired, there are words that I cannot spell however hard I try. Strange as it might seem, Google does seem to have some apparent artificial intelligence with spelling.

When I search on cellotape, it asks,
“Did you mean: sellotape”
On looking this up, I find the correct spelling, Sellotape.
Now, when spell check suggests, “Sell tape”, I click the “Add to directory” so that it recognises “Sellotape”.

Had cellotape not worked, I would have looked up “adhesive tape” (in quotes).

Similarly, grammar-checking routines can only apply a set of ridged rules. A grammar checker is a useful tool, but it is not always correct. I turn off those rules that give me too many false errors.

For example, when I check the sentence
“My nuts are as tough as old boots!”
it may incorrectly tell me to use
“My nuts are as tough as old boots are!”

Using punctuation and capitals is not just about appearance, but clarity and easy reading.
Compare,

“im going to kick im in is bollocks” yelled Janice french friend
with

“I’m going to kick ‘im in ‘is bollocks,” yelled Janice’ French friend.

So, keep writing!

Hasta
11-16-2008, 08:55 PM
So I was in this topless bar last night and this dancer came over and wanted to sit with me. She was fit and fairly attractive but I noticed she looked a little older than most. One of the first things she said to me was, "that girl over there is my daughter." The girl she was talking about was very attractive...cute little blonde with short hair and small tits. The mom had long, wavy red hair and small boobs on her tight body.

Anyway, long story shorter: we ended up talking and drinking and I told her I liked girls to grab my nuts and squeeze them. I've had this done in that bar before but not as much as this girl did. By the end of the night, we were sitting with her daughter and another guy at a table. I was wearing a pair of Miller Lite pants that are really just pajamas with pockets. These allowed the red-head (who, by the way, I challenged as a red-head to squeeze harder and she did) to really get to my balls. Anyway, there was something incredibly hot about this lady squeezing my balls as I watched her daughter dance topless on stage 2.

I actually thought about this board as I was in the bar last night...I ended up spending a little coin last night but it was definitely worth it.