Stuff You'll Never See #3
I suppose I should start this post with a little backstory in order to set a tone.
I am finding it quite difficult to come up with 'Stuff you'll never see" so I don't know how
long I will stick with this theme. My head has been spinning with ideas, but every time I come
closer to a cartoon idea I realize it's not that funny and get discouraged.
Last night I realized if I make it more personalized it has the potential to get my readers right in their funny bone. Here goes.
When I was in grade two, I found a nudey magazine that belonged to my Grandmother.
It was a Playgirl magazine which she had most likely gotten as a gag gift from her flamboyantly gay co-worker Jim. She had tucked it away in her home office behind a stack of boring old folders most likely thinking I would never find it.
During that time in my life I was convinced that being a secretary was the best job ever, so when I visited my Grandmother I used to tuck myself away in her office. I would tap away on her typewriter trying really hard not to make any mistakes. I would pretend to have important business conversations until the phone would start beeping and tell me to either make a call or hang up already, it was a blast.
One lovely Sunday afternoon I was hard at work writing my Grandmother memos about what I had done that week at school, when I knocked over a stack of folders onto the floor.
I began to shuffle them back into a pile when I noticed a magazine amongst the mess.
I turned it over and saw a man/ape wearing a hard hat and nothing else.
Needless to say I was intrigued, I rifled through the magazine feeling guiltier by the second, until I
came to the photo that changed my life.
A man standing on a ladder with his fully erect penis hanging a foot in front of him on a shelf he was building. I had never seen a naked man's junk at that time in my life, or a boy's for that matter and so I had no idea what I was seeing
I continued to rifle through the magazine just to be sure that indeed all these men had the same thing going on below the belt. I had to tell someone! I had to see one in real life! I decided to rip out the page and bring it to school the next day to show my best friend, surely she would have known this and what it was.
The next day at school to my disappointment my friend knew nothing of this and she was equally as shocked as myself at this footlong sausage that all men seemed to sport. We passed around the ripped out magazine page to all our other girl friends and yet no one seemed to have an explanation of what the hell the thing was for.
One girl who was a little racier in the imagination department suggested that I go grab a male classmates crotch to see if he had one too. I refused; blushing terribly.
Then she dared me.
In the second grade if you refused a dare you could pretty much count on being a loser forever. A scaredy cat or chicken never had any friends, so I of course couldn't refuse.
I walked over to the boys who were standing around eating candy in a group. The magazine page clutched in my hand but hidden in my pocket. I looked at my favourite boy's crotch. We will call him George for the purposes of anonymity. I said hello to George who ignored me in order to not have coodies. Having coodies was almost worse than being a scaredy cat. I began to realize that if I grabbed Georges crotch I would then have coodies, I panicked glancing back at my girlfriends who were now whispering about me and my scaredy cat status. In a fit of uncontrolled energy I ran over to George and promptly kicked him right in the nuts.
Poor George never saw it coming, He fell to the ground and began to sob, while his friends all laughed at him. I had to kick him to appease my friends , this way I could tell if he had a sausage in his pants,
Plus everyone knows you can't get coodies through a sneaker.
I became the coolest girl in the second grade after that. I was able to tell my friends that indeed they had weiners which hung precariously off their bodies you could feel it through your shoe when you kicked them . It became trendy to kick the boys in the nuts at recess, they actually began to like it a little, it was a game we could play with each other even through the winter months.
The boys would run, we would chase them and when we finally got close enough we would kick them in the nuts. I always favoured George, he was my first of course. They always say you never forget your first.
Anyways after a few weeks of chasing him around and kicking him in the nuts we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I know your wondering about the aforementioned cooties, but don't worry we protected ourselves. We got married on a wednesday by an old maple tree using the beloved grape ring pop as my wedding band, it was quite serious, I believe we lasted about four lunch hours of hand holding.
The moral of the story is I showed George how much I loved him by kicking him in the nuts regularly.
This method also helped a few of my girlfriends obtain husbands and cootie free hand holding.
It was a real thing for most of that year.
Which leads us (finally) to
"Stuff you'll never see" #3
Grown women using grade school tactics to obtain husbands
p.s
I know I said I would keep George anonymous, but I just thought you should know his last name.....is
McNutt, that joke wrote itself
Originally Posted by Johnni
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