Hey Sevrian thanks for posting this, you're not alone in this though I think aside from me you would be the first person I've ever seen say something like this. For me BB is incredibly sexual, my sexual reaction to the pain, much like a typical
algolagniac is completely involuntary (see link). This means when it happens to me without my consent it's quite disturbing (understatement). I've tried explaining it to friends this way, imagine someone you aren't attracted to penetrating you without your consent. So maybe that's different than your experience with humiliation and helplessness, but I can still relate, as that for me is also very much a part of it.
It sounds like a simple explanation but in my experience it's difficult to get anyone to bother to read the simple scientific explanation of algolagnia let alone actually think for five seconds about its implications. I've had this fetish since I can remember remembering, and the only time I was ever busted without my consent was years later, long after I had already enjoyed it a few times, by creepy bullies. In my case the aggressors were male, and it got to the point not so much that I attempted suicide, but that I would have very real panic attacks whenever I saw media imagery of what to my mind was a sexual assault, that retriggered the memory of the violating experience. Like you, this was made all the worse not only because it is portrayed as a joke along with the added humiliation and helplessness etc..., but also because for a long time I had no one to discuss it with, and thought no one would believe me let alone respect my experience. I really don't see what's so bloody hard to understand about it. I find sexual pain.. sexual. Always. Inflicting it on me without my consent is violating. Duh!
I actually lucked out and saw a good therapist on the subject for a few months, mostly talk, no need for going on regular pills whew... that along with finally meeting a few friends who actually believed me made a huge, huge difference. But yes, this experience made everything more difficult.. as if opening up about having a fetish wasn't hard enough to begin with. I had a real hard time at fetish parties at first.
And yes, it's a seeming contradiction. In the right circumstance with a sexy lady ballbuster all the above might seem wonderfully hot in fantasy. I can't say I'm the only person out there with contradictions in my sexuality though..
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BTW I do enjoy my fetish now, once in a while, in safe, sane, consensual environments.