Originally Posted by Jayfeathers stick
I’ve thought long and hard to find a helpful reply to your plea for comments; to be honest I hoped someone else would grasp the nettle.
I think you’re brave to post this story as you consider yourself to be “a terrible writer”.
In my humble opinion, you just need a little help with your written English and some tips on writing.
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As an experiment, I posted your story into Word 2007, and then ran a spelling and grammar check.
This found the problems with knew/new, of/off, your/you’re and males/male’s etc.
It also found other problems, but without suggesting corrections.
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You can only find some mistakes by carefully reading what you have written. I don’t know of any automatic method of finding the error in,
Aliac grabbed his pants and star to pull...
Some writers use software readers to listen to their final draft.
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Most of your story is a conversation; might I suggest you study how others write these in novels or eBooks.
When only two are talking, you can omit many of the “he said” and “she said”.
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I’ve stated many times that ideas are more important than anything else, and think you could develop this plot into an interesting story if you wish to expend the time and effort.
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